My Despair
by AbraFilo
Summary: It's the first time Nemu has wondered about a few things in her life and Kurotsuchi is left thinking about some of the choices he has made in life.


Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of it's characters or places, the events that take place are purely fictional and are not to be confused with the actual Bleach storyline.

The small creature on the cold metal slab had put up quite a fight to begin with but now lay limp as it bleed out. It was a rather small feline and very rare to find in the soul society but on Earth they could be found everywhere. Kurotsuchi didn't go to Earth if he could avoid it. Mainly because he couldn't take anything back if he wasn't permitted and at times that was just too much to bear. At the moment however he was pleased with the specimen he had found earlier regardless of how it came to be here. Placing a stinging and scratched hand on the felines neck he felt it growl and smiled. Everyone of his test subjects came to loathe him before he had even reached the halfway point and in all honesty Kurotsuchi felt a sort of satisfaction in this. The sadistic grin widened as he gently caressed the cats neck with the blunt end of the bloodied scapel he had been using before turning it in his hand. As he was about to make the lethal incision something tugged his pantleg.

Knowing it was Nemu even before he turned around Kurotsuchi sighed and placed the scapel down beside the immobilized feline, making sure it was in sight of it. When he turned Nemu was looking up at him with her hands behind her back, he knew from past experience that this meant the little girl who looked only about three was nervous or had done something she shouldn't have.

"What is it Nemu?" he asked impatiently "Your not supposed to be in here".

"I saw a lot of strange things happeneing today and I asked captain Kyoraku why people were acting funny and what the funny shaped boxes were and he told me a lot. He said that today was a day of love where people that love people give the people they love most a present so I got something for you Mayuri Sama".

She held up a small caterpillar and the captain of twelfth division couldn't help but to face palm, that fool Kyoraku would have her endlessly confused before she reached ten.

"You don't like it?" Nemu asked sadly.

"It isn't that" he said walking out of the lab to a more welcoming and private room where monitors couldn't see or hear them. After leaving the initial lab there was a washing bin where he dumped the thick gloves and heavy labcoat after yanking them off. Nemu followed, occasionally stepping on his heels which he ignored as always, she would learn when she was older. They finally reached his office which was a mess of paper work and even the guest chairs were covered with paper and reports. Not that it mattered whether there was a place for guests to sit or not because of the absence of any guests that would stay long enough to take a seat. Kurotsuchi took his seat behind the desk and Nemu jumped up to sit on his lap. She didn't see him often but when she did Nemu liked to be close and hated to be parted. She was staring curiously at him, wondering what she would learn this time, in her eyes her father was always right.

"Nemu, there is a certain history to this day that I believe would greatly benefit you to hear". So he began telling her the story of St. Valentine and his role on Earth, the story of how he lived, how he remained firmly to his beliefs and how he died. It was a rather short story considering it took only ten minutes to recite but he had left out all the unnescessary details. When he was done the puzzled look remained on her face.

"In otherwords Kyoraku did not tell you that it is a day for people who intimately love eachother to show their feelings". Seeing her trying to comprehend this Kurotsuchi quickly remembered he had never taught her the concept of relationships. Sighing yet again he continued "It's a day for a certain type of people who love each other to celebrate, like a husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, people who are engaged, etcetera. The day you would be waiting for is Father's day, yet another ridiculous human holiday".

Personally he saw no real point to them as he would rather be left in his lab unbothered no matter the day. This was a man who didn't even celebrate his own birthday short of having Pike fish for supper if he could manage that. Nemu looked as upset like she had done something wrong as she slipped off his lap.

"I'm sorry for my misunderstanding of the day and I hope I didn't waste all of your time". She whispered with her eyes looking down at the faded and bleached carpet.

It was far more upsetting than he could have comprehended to see her leave like this. Many times he had sent her somewhere else because he was upset with her. This time he wasn't angry with her and had not told her to leave, did she always think it dissappointed him when she made even a simple mistake? would she always leave like this even when she didn't want to because she felt he was tired of her?

"Nemu"

She turned around as he suddenly spoke but the sad expression remained and she even looked as though she were about to cry.

"Come back for a moment"

His daughter walked back over with her head down and as she stopped in front of him he picked her up and hugged her close. It was something he rarely did because he was unsure of how he should behave around her. Yes Nemu was his daughter but she was also his greatest creation that was still in progress. How much study should be allowed? where should emotional boundaries begin? where should they end? Kurotsuchi couldn't answer these mainly because he feared the answer would be biased, there was more reason than just work to why he didn't see her sometimes for weeks. Feeling her head turn to look at him Kurotsuchi pulled back from the hug a little but still embraced her.

"It's okay that you gave me a present Nemu and I really like it, I just want you to be informed".

"Mayuri Sama?"

"What is it Nemu"

"I wanted to ask you something for a long time but I don't know if you'll like it"

"You can ask me anything and I won't be upset" he answered feeling a little unsure.

"I was just thinking that most people tell me that people have a father and mother. Or so they say it might be different because you never told me this, but where is my mother?"

"She is away and will not be returning for a long time, in fact probably not until your much older than you are now". It was a lie, in fact it was a terrible lie that she would likely hate him for when she was older but how was he to explain that she had no mother. Not that she had died or left them or even that she had been orphaned as a baby but that she just did not ever have a mother, there was only him. Nemu seemed quite satisfied with this and leapt off his lap much quicker than Kurotsuchi had expected. Apparently she had been growing and learning without him. As she was leaving the office Nemu stopped and suddenly ran back to him with a big smile on that he so rarely saw. She held out her hands open-palmed with a very frightened looking caterpillar on them. Reaching out and taking the caterpillar Kurotsuchi noticed that she was once again looking at him with an odd expression.

"Is there anything else?"

"You said I could ask you anything right? and you wouldn't be angry?"

"Yes, I believe I did say that"

"It's just... I..." She paused for a moment and finally looked him in the eyes before she spoke her question clearly.

"Why did you not teach me to call you father?"

"You will also understand that when your older, in the way you see best fit I promise". It was another question that he had expected and planned for, the twelfth division captain planned ahead for every scenario. Kurotsuchi watched as she left looking more confused than comforted and he left soon after still holding the caterpillar safely in his left hand.

Returning to the biology lab he had left with Nemu earlier Kurotsuchi happily saw that everything was as he had left it, as usual. Almost everyone knew where he was working or at least which experiments were his and put a good amount of effort into not messing with them or his work station. In his absence the feline had died and the blood had tainted all it's right side crimson. There were also some vein-like streaks of red flowing from the left side where it had also been lacerated. The work was quick and joyless as he turned the small cat from side to side to study it in depth. It was only a few hours before it was nothing but a pile of mush and gore. It was unusual that he would feel so very unfulfilled at a moment like this but for some reason he couldn't help it. Perhaps it was because of seeing Nemu earlier and after thinking back on the rest of the day Kurotsuchi confirmed that as the reason.

It was a strange relationship he had with Nemu and so many strange thoughts had entered his head the day she was born. These strange and confusing thoughts had yet to leave. Often Kurotsuchi thought of when she was older because he had made her to develop but she would develop differently, into what he had considered his greatest achievement. When she had matured he often wondered what he would do with her. The point of science was to expand knowledge, record results and finally work to make things better. Then the thought would occur that there was another side to Nemu, she was his daughter. The responsibilities were endless, he was supposed to teach her, help her, be there for her and most importantly love her. If he didn't perform all those tasks how was he suppossed to conduct proper reearch and if he did would it not be biased and therefore useless. It was all so frustrating but at the same time it all had to be considered.

The mess of the cat had been cleaned away and the work station sterilized before he left again. After passing many nervous scientists he came to Nemu's room and knocked. Nothing was said so he opened the door and walked in. She was sitting on her bed and playing with some stuffed animals before she stopped to look at him.

"So what are you up to?" he asked awekwardly, putting on the nicest smile he could manage.

"I'm just playing with Stompy and Whiskers" she replied

"May I join?" Kurotsuchi asked before he knew what he was saying.

She smiled as she climbed off the bed and took him by the hand to lead him over to imaginary castle as she filled him in on the story that had taken place during the years of her life he had never been present. It took Kurotsuchi a while to catch on to how it all worked but after a while he figured it out and it made her happy anyway. During that night while they played with stuffed animals and coloured pictures it occured to him that if any harm were to come to his daughter he'd be upset on some level or other. It was probably best for him to spend as much time as he could spare to be with her, while she still wanted to be near him. Kurotsuchi had already thought of ways to upgrade and change her that clashed with her overall design and he wouldn't be able to push those thoughts away forever, even if Nemu was his daughter. In time he was sure that she would come to loathe him as all the others did. The only uncertainty was how he was going to feel when that time came.


End file.
